DRONKVALLE U.R.S.A.R

Dronkville exists in 1962 Ukraine. It's like communist Russia, except with dronk. DRONK DRONK DRONK DRONK DRONK DRONK DRONK DRONK DRONK DRONK DRONK DORNK DORNK DORNK DORNK DORNK. Like that. I think repeating words over and over and over and over and over again is fucking harlariourous. Like funny. Really funny. Because if you say words over and over again they eventually become so funny because you don't know what day you are in the century of my brain. My brain doesn't exist in this century. Because it is dead. To a point of no return. I hope you read this because I might die of being dead. It might hurt. I hope it really doesn't; I'm afraid of living my life in fear. I hope that doesn't make any sense because I hate you.
-Conrad

Chrome House

Overtime it became run down and rusted, but ten years ago!? Why it was fantastic and the chrome would glisten. Ever since who knows the words ate and cut up little sticks, the sticks that couldn't burn at one million degrees, things started to change. Everyone would always try to set them aflame, but it wouldn't work. Years went by but the scene never changed. Destroyers had one idea with their lighters and ovens and shared that one idea. So no brains ever grew or expanded. The odd occurrence of the destroyers never changing left it it intact and wondrous. Cunning was hard to come by. But eventually they found the monster. And the monster knew many ways of destruction. He saw the chrome house and its tranquil landscape and was so enraged he ate everything around. The scene around the house that didn't change for so long was consumed in five seconds. Now with its friends gone it was lonely and started to fade. I've come to it again with love many years after the monster. Oh, how I hope it gleams again!
-Conrad

Ghost Weight Loss

Ok, so I'd like to raise the topic of ghosts losing weight. It's a weighty! excuse the pun, issue is soon to be addressed. Lets say you were fat when you died. And your ghost turned into a fat ghost. Because you're fat. But you come to an epiphany, and you want to lose weight. Its time for your fat ghost to be skinny. You want the ghost next door to notice you. Then. YOU CAN'T LOSE WEIGHT BECAUSE YOU'RE A FUCKING GHOST IT MAKES NO SENSE AT ALL TO ANYONE. So you're stuck like that. So as humans lets start to make life easier for all ghosts and make sure to be thin.
-Conrad

Fist Full of Family

Someone wrote a letter to my friend saying, "You drive me into a sexual rage". This is how I think she should have responded.

That's funny I feel ALMOST the same way. Except, you are like a brother to me.
Which leads me to quite a quandary because although I have sexual? feelings towards you I can't let them be seen. Because it's illegal. But if you really want to, we can move to Alabama. Where it's legal. And actually is looked up upon. Kind of like tea, in the regal sense. Except it's having sex with your brother. Not drinking tea. Which is good for you. Having sex with your brother isn't really bad for you per se, but it might be bad for our kids. You don't want our kids to have 20 eyes and feet of a duck. Because, living the life of a duck through human eyes is very depressing. I just don't hate babies, and I hope you feel the same way.
Love,
Anonymous
P.S But not love like sex I hope (hope's all we got here).
-Conrad

Welcome, kind sir!

Like we all have a day off, Dad or no, but Dad's need a day off. Or a day on, like a Dad's day on! Except, instead of on you can take it off! Fantastic! Who thought that by being in magic land (or as some like to call it "the internet") you could take a day off! Exciting and magnificent! Don't question if you're not a Dr. Dad, because why would you question a day off? No one would be that absurd to not take a day off. No one. So welcome to a place where all Dad's can take a day off.
-Conrad